How to Write Report Cards

If you’re like me, you’re in the thick of report card writing.  And if you’re like me, you probably didn’t start as early as you told yourself you would because, you know, you still had that whole regular full-time job of teaching to do.  Priorities.

But now the priority is getting that sh*t done, because your principal wants it on his or her desk by Friday, already printed and edited and re-printed and signed and wax-sealed.

But I think I’ve perfected the art of report card writing so I’ll share the process with you now in case it helps.

Step 1: Procrastinate.

This is essential, because your procrastination will be very productive in other domains of your life.  During this step you can basically do anything you want other than start your report cards.  My personal favourites are vacuuming everything, dusting everything, washing & folding everything, and Netflixing everything.

Step 2: Procrastinate more.

You really can’t start until you have a clean slate, so it’s important to take care of every single unattended detail in your life.  Take those clothes to the Goodwill.  Make those appointments.  Clean out your car.  Change the water filter in the fridge.  You need a clear mind, after all.

Step 3: Think about starting.

Now you should deeply reflect on the fact that you are ready to begin.  Take as long as you need.

Step 4: Gather your resources.

Get your mark book ready, locate old examples of report cards, open your bank of learning skills comments, and make some coffee.  BUT – you should probably clean the coffee maker first.

Step 5: Panic!

Flipping through your mark book you will realize that you probably didn’t mark enough crap.  One mark for Media Lit and everybody got a level 2 – that’s probably your fault.  One lonely, questionable measurement mark from an assessment that you don’t even remember doing.  Oh, and of course there’s that one kid who just has no marks anywhere because he or she is never at school or never finishes anything, or both.  There’s a sad parade of empty boxes beside their name on your class spreadsheet.  You can’t fill them all with I’s… can you?

Step 6:  Plan some kamikaze assessments.

You’re going to need to hammer out some last minute marks before you feel confident enough to assign a term grade for some subjects.  You need to think of some quick & dirty assessments that you can make happen this week with enough time left to mark them and input the comments.  You may even need to fully teach and assess a subject, and it’s probably Health.

Step 7: Begin, sort of.

Now you can begin your reports, but as soon as you do you’ll discover that there are hundreds of loose ends you still need to tie up before you can actually finish them.

Step 8: Write a blog post about writing report cards.

Step 9: Tie up those loose ends.

This involves suddenly becoming the most organized and on-top-of-it teacher in all the land, and your students will barely recognize you.  Class lists go up with names highlighted for missing work.  Recesses are usurped for unfinished summative tasks.  Learning skills reflections are dolled out en masse.  Who is this teacher?

Step 10: Finish your first drafts.

Assign some marks that you feel semi-confident about and write some comments that sort of capture what you did in as many words as will fit in the box.  This will take some clever re-wording of things to either a) make the comments fit or b) make the comments look longer or c) make the comments sound like you did something.

Step 10 b: Get creative with your Learning Skills.

You’re gonna have to be really creative to make those sound kind.

Step 11: Revise.

Print your reports and read through them.  You will realize how awkwardly worded and full of typos they are.  Students will be assigned the wrong gender pronoun all over the place.  Some sentences just won’t make any sense at all.  Go through and make revisions with a red pen.  Input your corrections.  This will require several Facebook breaks.

Step 12: Hand in.

Close your eyes, hold your breath, hand in your reports, and pray to the old gods and the new that your admin goes easy on you.

 

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(Clearly, I am on Step 8.  Hopefully I don’t stay here all weekend.)

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17 thoughts on “How to Write Report Cards

  1. You ABSOLUTELY hit the nail on the head and provided a humorous look at all the crap we do to get psyched out to prepare for completing the process. Kudos. And good luck on your report cards!

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  2. So this is why the public hates on so much. To publicly admit that you make up assessments last minute is probably not the wisest thing to do given what happened a few months ago with all the collective bargaining stuff. Read the OCT advisory my friend….

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      1. Funny post. Your About page is good too 😉 There are elements of truth in all of these – most of us have been there at some point in the past for sure! Step 2 and 3 are my favs. I often tell my students that I’d procrastinate more often, but most days I just can’t be bothered. I doubt there are too many people who look at this clearly satirical post and think that it is serious… I got a nice laugh out of it – keep it up!

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  3. Ah, the memories! Retired 14 years ago and still remember the last minute report card feeling. Also when report cards first became computerized the exciting but very real possibility you could lose it all with one wrong key stroke so do NOT forget to back up and save every 5 minutes. Hahaha

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    1. I’m stuck at 10 c). Start sputtering choice cuss words at the report card system that keeps shutting down during my most brilliant moments of landing on words that truly reflect what my students are doing.

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